I'm the Best Worst Friend to Have

I feel like I let a lot of people down, most of the time. If someone invites me somewhere, I can never guarantee that I'll be there. When I do turn up to events, people can be surprised and act as if I'm deliberately trying to be mysterious. In actual fact, it's just difficult for me to be sociable sometimes. Being consciously terrified of saying the wrong thing or embarrassing myself the entire time I'm out is exhausting. It's worse when everyone's already friends and I'm just on the edge of conversation, slowly being pushed out. I really hope I don't come across as rude or whatever when I'm in a group, it's just that I overthink what I want to say to the point where I just can't say anything.

I had the same group of friends all through primary school and after making new friends at secondary school, I kept those throughout as well. Not to fault it; we all grew up together, and we'll probably always be in each other's lives in some way. It's just, maybe keeping the same people close to me has made me out of practice when I'm introduced to new people. I don't know, lately I seem to be the person people know, but don't actively see as a friend. It's kind of like being an inverted social butterfly; I can go from group to group and talk to people, but never really be too involved.

I often feel guilty for not knowing recent events with my friends back home, often hearing news really late. I'm really bad at keeping in contact with people, even if I genuinely care about them. I feel sad about growing apart from people from my past, but then it makes me wonder if we ever were that close to begin with. It's way too easy to dwell on things like this when I isolate myself in my room.

I appreciate every time I am invited to something, it makes me feel remembered. Just because I can be unreliable doesn't mean I don't want to come. So, to those people who take notice of new people in the group and try to involve them: I salute you! When people start to talk over someone, but you are the one person who listens: yes! People who make others feel involved are amongst the best in the world.

Youtube: Past and Present

We live in an age where the online world is rapidly becoming more popular than television and online figures are gaining celebrity status. With 300 hours of video being uploaded to Youtube every minute, the website provides endless and instant entertainment for free. Better still, if you have a Youtube account you can refine the videos so that only the content creators that you want to watch appear on your subscriptions feed, and creators similar to those you like are suggested, so that you can explore your interests.

Youtube was founded in 2005, but arguably gained status around 2007, when vlogging first became popular, and viewers became more interested in the comings and goings of strangers than cat videos (although who can beat a good cat video every now and then?). Vloggers such as "The Vlogbrothers", with their "Brotherhood 2.0" project, in which two brothers only contacted each other through their Youtube videos, became the forerunners of Youtube videos.

  I started to get interested in Youtube in around 2010, which now seems like the "innocent" days of the website. I liked vloggers such as Charlie McDonnell "Charlieissocoollike", Lex Croucher "tyrannosauruslexx" and Craig Benzine "WheezyWaiter". I was drawn to comedic vloggers who would fill up my time with entertainment, rather than people who would teach me anything. "The Vlogbrothers" were still going strong, although no longer undertaking their two year project, they provided me with knowledge about music, dumb historic facts and issues in America. One of the brothers, John Green, is a successful author, with two of his books being made in to films. I also liked the vlogger Alex Day, I found him very funny, and his friendship with Charlie McDonnell was admirable and inviting: they made you feel a part of a secret, nerdy culture that supported each other. However, this friendship ended last year, after allegations were made against Alex Day regarding sexual abuse, and due to this I have also stopped watching Alex's videos.

It is at this point that I will mention the popularity of the genre "British Male Vloggers that Appear Attractive to Young Female Girls". I don't understand why in particular they have to be British, but this is definitely a recognisable category of vloggers, who gain the type of followers that a popular boy band may get; often referred to as "fan girls". This was seen to be relatively harmless, until it came out that a number of these vloggers were allegedly sleeping with their underage fans, spawning a massive internet-wide debate over the issue of consent on Tumblr, Youtube and otherwise. This caused some prominent faces to disappear from the mainstream, with vloggers such as Alex Day being ousted from the internet by angry ex-fans. 

 

Many Youtubers took this as an opportunity to educate their young audiences about consent, making the best of a bad situation. They recognised how dangerous it was to have such young, impressionable fans being influenced by older people who were not moderated and were free to do as they please. Youtube gatherings had by this point turned from fun meet-ups, where you could chat to fellow viewers of a particular person, to fans just insanely mobbing their favourite Youtubers, and had become dangerous.

Now, I mostly watch Youtube to watch people play video games, which sounds odd, but this stems from me being terrible at video games myself and also from being one of the younger, female cousins in my family and therefore only being able to watch the older, male cousins play. I still watch Lex Croucher, and admire her growth from "funny Youtube personality" to someone who people can genuinely look up to in regards to her feminism and animal charity work.

Beauty gurus have gained a massive popularity of late; people who teach viewers how to apply make-up, style their hair, or share clothing hauls. A notable guru is Zoe Sugg, "Zoella", who has recently released a book, appeared in the Band Aid 30 Christmas song, competed in the BBC Bake- Off Celebrity Special and has just been placed as a waxwork inside Madame Tussauds. With rumours circling that she has bought a £1 million mansion, it is difficult for people to say that you can't reach celebrity status through Youtube anymore.

My Views on Religion

*Disclaimer: Yes, talking about religion is controversial. I respect people's beliefs and their freedom to believe what they want. I don't care what you believe in, as long as it doesn't cause harm to anyone, or persecute anyone. This is simply an account of my experiences with religion, and no one should feel offended by my lack of belief. I do not need to be "saved" from anything. This account is also mainly about Christianity and Catholicism, as they are the religions I was brought up with and am exposed to the most, so where "religion", read "Christianity" for most of the time.*

 

Technically, I am still a Roman Catholic, as the only way you can stop being a Roman Catholic is if the church actively kicks you out. I attended a catholic primary school, went to church relatively frequently and completed many of the steps that symbolised my dedication to the religion, such as having my Holy Communion and Confirmation. I was brought up being read bible stories and singing hymns, putting on Christmas plays AND Easter plays in my school. Literally no part of my childhood made me question my faith.

When I grew up and started secondary school, I was exposed to the idea of atheism and agnosticism, concepts I had never heard of before. In the beginning, I couldn't understand how people couldn't believe in God. In the end, I couldn't understand how people believed in God at all. A drastic shift in my religious beliefs occurred over a couple of years. I started to refuse to go to church, feeling like a fraud in pretending I had any belief left. I felt guilty because I had confirmed my faith so definitely when I was younger, to go back on it just felt wrong.

Then I realised. They had got me when I was young, when I still wasn't really able to make decisions for myself. My Holy Communion occurred when I was about seven or eight; my Confirmation when I was about twelve. I shouldn't have to feel trapped in a religion I no longer believed in because of choices I had made (or people had made for me) when I was so young. I feel sorry for people who reach this point but have to force themselves back into belief due to pressure from their family or peers. I was freely able to admit I was an atheist as my parents weren't at all strict when it came to religion (I think they are both pretty much atheist now anyway).

I can understand that religion brings many people comfort, and if it is all they know, then it is difficult for them to see beyond it. Some religious people say "If there is no God, then how do you explain a sunset", but do we really have to attribute the beauty we see in nature to an unknown, supernatural entity? Is it healthy for us to feel judged in everything we do; is it right to spend our life dedicating ourselves to working towards an afterlife we don't know exists, instead of enjoying the actual life we have?

While I feel that my somewhat religious upbringing definitely helped to make me a moral person, I am also able to be open minded and liberal, and acknowledge that what I believe in may not be what is right. Some religious people (and non-religious, to be fair) for example, believe absolutely that gay people should not be accepted in society, usually because they have found some obscure passage in the bible that they have decided hints at God's homophobia. Some people reject people from their communities because they are gay even if they are a close relative. Some gay people go through so much turmoil in not being able to come out to their parents because of their religion induced homophobia that they try to "fix" themselves.

Of course, being religious doesn't inherently make you homophobic or close-minded, but in my experience, it makes you much more likely to be. You have been taught that only a particular lifestyle is desired by God, and anything that deviates from that is to be feared; these people are going to hell. I am not even going to start on exactly how many wars and acts of terror are solely caused due to religious beliefs, however extreme the beliefs may be.

Yes, if used right, religion can be great. It can be a reason for people to get up in the morning, a life's purpose. It can help people overcome terrible times in their life, or help them to celebrate the good. It allows people to become a community, and is absolutely the biggest contributor to charities, helping people around the world. I don't know exactly what it was that made me stop believing in God, but now in my mind, I can't fathom why a God would exist at all. That doesn't mean I can't enjoy the Disney film, The Prince of Egypt, or eat Easter eggs, or celebrate Christmas.

My First Counselling Session

I started going to counselling sessions this term (so far, I've only been to one) because I am super insane and a risk to the general public (parodying mental illness stigmas for the win?). It was actually due to my crippling anxiety and the depression I faced last term that resulted in me eating nothing for like a week, but I digress...

I have always been quite open about my anxiety so it was easy for me to talk to the counsellor about stuff. My year of experience studying psychology at university didn't really help though, as the counsellor kept saying "How do you feel about that?" and I kept wanting to laugh at how clichéd it was. There was a box of tissues placed ominously close to my chair, which was a slouchy, beige number to match the beige room, that you either had to sit really far forward and upright in, or you would end up pretty much lying down in it.

As much as I mock, my counsellor was lovely; super understanding, easy to talk to, sensed I had a terrible sense of direction and showed me the way into the building for next time, the whole experience was great. I am now looking forward to my next counselling session more than my next lecture. Which is maybe bad. 

The session made me look at myself from a different perspective and it was quite strange to have someone sympathise with me. I usually hate to be the centre of attention and reject compliments immediately, but having someone sit there will the sole purpose of helping me to build myself back up was oddly reassuring. Yes, there were some things I found awkward, like being told I was obviously intelligent many times (how do people react to compliments?! I sit and laugh awkwardly, this is obviously not correct).

I thought I'd feel self-conscious and analysed, but really, it was nice to vent. I used to think counselling was absolutely not for me; I thought it'd trigger panic attacks and be pointless as I am so open anyway, but actually, it made me realise I don't think about myself enough. It's a nice way to, not be selfish per se, but to finally start taking care of my mental wellbeing, the same way people take care of their physical wellbeing by going on a diet or getting their nails done.

It's important to note that a counsellor's job isn't particularly to tell you all the answers to your problems, but to (as cheesy as it sounds) help you help yourself. A worrying number of students suffer silently from mental health problems, not knowing how to help themselves. If you attend a university as awesome as mine, you have easy, free access to people who can help you, as long as you summon up the courage to contact them. If not, you can talk to your GP about looking for a counsellor, although in this circumstance, be prepared to shell out some cash as you are more than likely going to have to pay for one. There are also people available online and through telephone who you can talk to, who you can find if you browse the web enough.

For students at UoB, everyone you need to contact can be found here.