The University Problem

I'm at the stage where I'm kind of completely done with this whole university thing. As in, mentally I feel I am no longer able to carry on, not as in I made it through undergraduate study. If you've been following this blog from the start, you'll know that this is the second university I've gone to, and that I've really given it the best I've got. I began the year positive that there would be some drastic change, and that this university would be the one way I could stand to make it through to getting a degree. To be fair, it's a great uni as far as support has gone. I just don't think I'm cut out for uni in general.

Once you've had that couple of months break from education, like I did in between unis, it's really hard to go back. Going from earning money and being on your way to independence to go back to living in constant debt, questioning if milk is an important, responsible purchase for the week and counting out how much money I've earned working overtime to see if I'll be out of my overdraft for the month is EXHAUSTING. Adding to the money worries is the fact that Student Finance are STILL screwing me over. Since November. Apparently they now have a thick file of our correspondence, as I've made I-don't-know-how-many phone calls to them. And yes, I still have phone phobia.

Then there's the people. I don't know if maybe I've adapted to getting on with people a bit older than me now, but I really feel that the people of uni age are just immature. I don't mean to sound patronising or whatever, but I'm so over people being overly dramatic and stirring gossip like we're still in school. I've kind of given up talking to people at uni now because of bad experiences I've had with others-I've unfortunately lumped everyone together, even though I know that some of the people I've begun friendships with are genuinely nice.

My counsellor finally broke me today. All term, there's been an ominous box of tissues placed strategically next to me during the counselling sessions, and never once have I come close to needing them until today. Everything has just snowballed up until these last few weeks, it seems. I've had no free time to revise for the exams I have this week and even when I attempt to revise for them, there's something in my head that blocks me from taking anything in. I realised recently that the block is my brain telling me that I don't want to do this anymore. I only really was doing this for my parents anyway-like I know that a degree would benefit me in the long run, but I'm recently in the mind-set that I need to prioritise my mental health over career prospects and going to uni is actually driving me crazy. It's really hard to motivate yourself to study when you don't know what you're goal is at the end.

It's really difficult to start uni, going from being one of the "smart ones", the ones who seem to get through exams fine etc, to being in a place where everyone is "the smart one" and, in fact, struggling with the work. It's debilitating on your identity. This time around, I chose a subject that I have enjoyed my entire life and studying it at uni has turned it into something I detest. Every time I have to go to a lecture, I feel an overwhelming sense of dread, which has triggered a sizable number of panic attacks this term. I don't even care about getting a degree anymore, I've just been counting down the days until I can leave. I feel like it's been struggle enough to make it through this term, without an exam at the end to put the cherry on top of the disaster cake.

So, I'm going to take my exams this week, having done minimal revision (although not for lack of trying) and maybe I'll fail, and have an excuse to leave. Of course, I won't deliberately fail, that isn't the type of person I am. But I don't know what I'm going to do. At the moment, I just really don't want to be here.