Why I don't want Kids

I've never, ever been the maternal type. It's not that I'm not caring, it's just the very thought of having a child of my own is such an alien concept to me. Yes, you might say I'm too young, I'll definitely want them when I'm older, and that may be the case, but I really don't see that happening.

My sister had Baby Annabelles and the likes when she was younger, but they always freaked me out. I didn't see why you would want to cart around this potato-faced thing and cater to its every whim, when you could be having much more fun playing Lion King with Beanie Babies, or writing a story. Growing up it seemed that all my female peers loved playing "mummy and baby", dragging a doll around, and wanting to hold their infant relatives. I just didn't get it.

I remember disclosing the fact that I never wanted kids to some classmates in secondary school, and one said that I'll be really lonely when I'm older and won't have a purpose. I resented that comment because why would motherhood be the only success I look for in life? Why would I need to produce my own company, when there are 7 billion other people in the world, and the number is only growing? It isn't that I don't think motherhood isn't a huge achievement; I definitely think good mothers should be congratulated on the hard work they put into their children and everyday life. I just don't have it set as one of my life's goals.

Another reason is that some very close members of my family have been diagnosed with ASD and, while the absolute cause of autism has not been fully discovered, there are strong cases that there is a chance it is passed on genetically. I have seen how difficult it is to raise a child with ASD, and while I'm absolutely not saying that children with ASD shouldn't be responded to the same as other children, I know that I would struggle to cope with one (-small dig at the lack of support parents of children with ASD receive-).

You may call me selfish for not 'embracing the miracle of fertility'. The truth is yes, you are entitled to call me selfish. I want to be able to afford to go on holiday when I want, where I want. I want a nice house that won't be ruined by the stickiness that seems to ooze from children. I want the freedom to live my life how I want. I want to be my own person, rather than be defined as 'mother' before my own name. I don't particularly see it as selfish myself to want to give up my dreams for something that I personally do not look for in my future, however I can see why some might.

I don't think babies are cute, I think they literally all look the same. I may very well read this back in a couple of years' time, completely turned around in my views about this. Those people who say that 'you have to reach a certain age and then suddenly the maternal instinct will kick in' may be right. But for now, I am very much looking forward to buying a house, settling down, and getting a dog.

-Post inspired by BBC 3's Young and Sterile: My Choice-

(but don't worry guys, I'm not getting sterilised)

Jury Service

The very day of my 22nd birthday, I received a letter in the post from HRH. No, there was no mix up, and no I wasn't turning 100. At first my heart dropped as I thought I was getting a speeding ticket or something, but on opening the letter I soon discovered that I was being summoned for my duty as a jury member. Not only that, but I was going to the Old Bailey.

For those who are unaware, the Old Bailey is a court for some of the more serious cases in the country, seeing cases such as Jack the Ripper and the Kray Twins under its roof. While it was a little irritating that I hadn't been sent to a court more local, the hour's commute to central London was definitely worth being inside such a historic, famous court.

Having to arrive at 8 am on the first day meant I had to be prepared. I had no idea what to expect from jury service; I had been told by many that it involved a lot of waiting around and not doing very much. While I was able to finish an entire book during the course of my jury service, I didn't have to do very much waiting around at all!

Arriving on a Monday morning, my time as a member of a jury/waiting juror ended on Tuesday evening. The Old Bailey had requested over 170 jury members that week, which was far more than they had expected to arrive. However, I was at least lucky enough to be made a juror on a case, rather than sit around for two days.

I'm still unsure as to how much I am allowed to talk about in regards to the actual case (I think it's fine, but just in case!) so I won't go into detail. What is important to know if you are unsure if you are capable of being on a jury is that the entire case is directed towards the jury, ensuring you understand every detail of the case and what your decision involves. You don't have to have knowledge of the law, as what is important is outlined for you. If the judge feels the defendant or prosecutor is influencing you too much, they will say so. The judge on my case was so diligent in this that we were called back into court after we had been sent to deliberate, so that the judge could rephrase one word he felt had been too misleading.

The other jurors were a diverse group, ranging from a very opinionated working class middle aged man, to a psychology student, to an actual lawyer, as well as housewives and teachers. We were in the deliberation room for about 3 hours debating whether the defendant was guilty or not, before reaching a verdict. We were provided with water and toilets, but were locked in the room, with our phones/laptops etc. locked away from us. If anyone wanted to leave, we would have all had to have gone with them, and kept away from the rest of the courthouse. On reaching a verdict, we were to press the button for the bailiff, who would deliver a written verdict to the judge, before we were called back into the courtroom to announce said verdict.

I am a little disappointed that my jury service was so short as after becoming used to the commute and knowing what was expected of me, I found the experience fascinating. Even though the case I sat on was not particularly ground-breaking, it was still interesting to find out how it all worked. Even just having the chance to speak to other members of the jury, who I may never have had the opportunity to speak to otherwise, was an experience. I'm actually hoping I get called up again soon!

Dungeons and Drag Queens

Because I couldn't possibly get any nerdier, I have started playing Dungeons and Dragons, and y'know what? It's actually pretty fun.

If, like me, you are a creative person lacking an outlet for their creativity, Dungeons and Dragons just might be perfect for you. The only set backs are that you need a group of people who are willing to play each session, and you need to be organised. Making a character can be time consuming (especially if the DM* convinces you to be a sorcerer or warlock) but the more time you invest in your character, the more you can understand how to play them.

*DM-Dungeon Master: Not a player in the game, but someone who orchestrates the plot and acts as enemies/NPCs when the time comes.

For those who have no idea whatsoever as to what DnD is, it is a role playing, dice game where a group of characters are often adventuring on a quest (manipulated by the DM), fighting enemies and levelling up. It is not a computer game and does not involve any movement off of the sofa at all (unless you have so much gusto in your character that you feel it is necessary). Much of the action takes place in your imagination, fuelled by descriptions given by the DM or playing characters. Often the characters are fictional beings, i.e. Elves, Orcs, and Trolls etc. 

In researching your own character, you learn the characteristics of said character, and how they would react to others. For example, my current character is a Tiefling (a sort of demonic, humanoid being) who, because of their dark background, is met with suspicion from others, and so regards others as suspicious in turn. Therefore, when I play a game as that character, this will affect how I interact with other players and get the benefits and drawbacks of this character trait, i.e. I may not be able to trade as easily as others.

Aside from the work put into a character, DnD is a nice source of escapism into a fictional world where aims and quests are usually clear. Rather than just reading a fantasy novel, DnD puts you into the game, so you can act out your character's destiny and influence others around you. When your character defeats a boss, you are filled with elation, and join in the victory cries of your friends around you. When your character dies, you really feel loss, as all the work you put into your character is wiped out completely. If you want to rejoin the game, you have to create a completey new character, unless your teammates/DM revive you somehow.

The first time I played, I died, so I hadn't particularly had time to bond with my character. However, it definitely did not put me off, and I have played a couple of times since with a new character, and am gradually finding my feet. Some may choose to dress up as their character, and put on voices, but my group aren't quite there yet. Maybe after a few drinks...

Maintaining Red Hair

Red is probably the hardest of all unnatural hair colours to maintain (so my unprofessional Googling tells me), so since being an on again/off again redhead for the past 5 years, I am still perfecting the art of maintaining my colour.

While I am perfectly aware that the best way to colour hair is with a professional at a salon, I am too broke to be doing that every couple of weeks, never mind the fact that dying your hair at home feels like a science experiment. While I enjoyed science at school, the results never left the classroom, so I decided to take matters into my own hands.

Every month/6 weeks depending on how patient I am feeling (how poor I am), I touch up my colour using Schwarzkopf "Red Passion" or a different shade of my fancy. This colour is a bright red, but isn't pillar-box so I like to tell myself it's subtle. My hair is getting on the longer side now so I usually use two boxes so that I get enough coverage in my roots as well as the rest of my hair. My natural hair is chestnut brown, so while a red tone already exists in my natural colour, it is still quite dark, yet the dye works first time without bleaching. This is because the way the Schwarzkopf dyes work is that they use 'newer coloring technologies' (basically the dye bleaches the hair in the process). This means that it can be quite damaging, therefore I refrain from using it too often. However the colour payoff is great; vivid red that lasts a couple of weeks. If you wish to fade out the colour, depending on how often you have dyed it, it usually fades out to a brown colour, although as I have dyed my hair so often, (and therefore bleached it) it fades to a dull pink/red.

To maintain colour in between dyes, I use Osmo Colour Revive in "Purple Rouge". Osmo is a colour conditioning treatment infused with avocado oil that does not intend to act as an initial dye, but simply restores vibrancy to the colour of the hair. This particular shade is pinker than the red colour I dye it, so it gives me an opportunity to have fun with a slightly different shade without having to damage my hair further by dying it. While it does not get rid of roots, it can help to break up the root banding slightly by fading the colour into the regrowth. I guess it could also create some fun, semi-permanent colours on blonde hair too, although I am no expert, and don't claim to be! (subtle disclaimer so you can't blame me if it wrecks your hair)

Finally, everyone out there will tell you to wash your hair with cold water. That is sure to help, however I feel that life is definitely too short to have cold showers. Instead, refrain from washing your hair daily, instead using dry shampoo, and be sure to use heat protectants. A good conditioning mask every now and then is also definitely worth the investment. I recommend the Mark Hill Intensive Conditioning Mask, although it appears to be out of stock in many places at the moment, so I may be trying -this product- as a replacement.

I honestly believe that different things work for different people, so I thought I would write about what has worked for me. I only had my hair cut twice in the whole of last year, and it has survived direct bleaching, constant dying and colour changes with minimal damage. It has taken a while to find my routine, but now I have found it, I think I may be sticking to it for a while.

Leaves

I used to look at the moon every night
to remind myself how small I am

But now I look at the leaves caught in the wind
And remind myself how big I can be

The University Problem

I'm at the stage where I'm kind of completely done with this whole university thing. As in, mentally I feel I am no longer able to carry on, not as in I made it through undergraduate study. If you've been following this blog from the start, you'll know that this is the second university I've gone to, and that I've really given it the best I've got. I began the year positive that there would be some drastic change, and that this university would be the one way I could stand to make it through to getting a degree. To be fair, it's a great uni as far as support has gone. I just don't think I'm cut out for uni in general.

Once you've had that couple of months break from education, like I did in between unis, it's really hard to go back. Going from earning money and being on your way to independence to go back to living in constant debt, questioning if milk is an important, responsible purchase for the week and counting out how much money I've earned working overtime to see if I'll be out of my overdraft for the month is EXHAUSTING. Adding to the money worries is the fact that Student Finance are STILL screwing me over. Since November. Apparently they now have a thick file of our correspondence, as I've made I-don't-know-how-many phone calls to them. And yes, I still have phone phobia.

Then there's the people. I don't know if maybe I've adapted to getting on with people a bit older than me now, but I really feel that the people of uni age are just immature. I don't mean to sound patronising or whatever, but I'm so over people being overly dramatic and stirring gossip like we're still in school. I've kind of given up talking to people at uni now because of bad experiences I've had with others-I've unfortunately lumped everyone together, even though I know that some of the people I've begun friendships with are genuinely nice.

My counsellor finally broke me today. All term, there's been an ominous box of tissues placed strategically next to me during the counselling sessions, and never once have I come close to needing them until today. Everything has just snowballed up until these last few weeks, it seems. I've had no free time to revise for the exams I have this week and even when I attempt to revise for them, there's something in my head that blocks me from taking anything in. I realised recently that the block is my brain telling me that I don't want to do this anymore. I only really was doing this for my parents anyway-like I know that a degree would benefit me in the long run, but I'm recently in the mind-set that I need to prioritise my mental health over career prospects and going to uni is actually driving me crazy. It's really hard to motivate yourself to study when you don't know what you're goal is at the end.

It's really difficult to start uni, going from being one of the "smart ones", the ones who seem to get through exams fine etc, to being in a place where everyone is "the smart one" and, in fact, struggling with the work. It's debilitating on your identity. This time around, I chose a subject that I have enjoyed my entire life and studying it at uni has turned it into something I detest. Every time I have to go to a lecture, I feel an overwhelming sense of dread, which has triggered a sizable number of panic attacks this term. I don't even care about getting a degree anymore, I've just been counting down the days until I can leave. I feel like it's been struggle enough to make it through this term, without an exam at the end to put the cherry on top of the disaster cake.

So, I'm going to take my exams this week, having done minimal revision (although not for lack of trying) and maybe I'll fail, and have an excuse to leave. Of course, I won't deliberately fail, that isn't the type of person I am. But I don't know what I'm going to do. At the moment, I just really don't want to be here.  

I'm the Best Worst Friend to Have

I feel like I let a lot of people down, most of the time. If someone invites me somewhere, I can never guarantee that I'll be there. When I do turn up to events, people can be surprised and act as if I'm deliberately trying to be mysterious. In actual fact, it's just difficult for me to be sociable sometimes. Being consciously terrified of saying the wrong thing or embarrassing myself the entire time I'm out is exhausting. It's worse when everyone's already friends and I'm just on the edge of conversation, slowly being pushed out. I really hope I don't come across as rude or whatever when I'm in a group, it's just that I overthink what I want to say to the point where I just can't say anything.

I had the same group of friends all through primary school and after making new friends at secondary school, I kept those throughout as well. Not to fault it; we all grew up together, and we'll probably always be in each other's lives in some way. It's just, maybe keeping the same people close to me has made me out of practice when I'm introduced to new people. I don't know, lately I seem to be the person people know, but don't actively see as a friend. It's kind of like being an inverted social butterfly; I can go from group to group and talk to people, but never really be too involved.

I often feel guilty for not knowing recent events with my friends back home, often hearing news really late. I'm really bad at keeping in contact with people, even if I genuinely care about them. I feel sad about growing apart from people from my past, but then it makes me wonder if we ever were that close to begin with. It's way too easy to dwell on things like this when I isolate myself in my room.

I appreciate every time I am invited to something, it makes me feel remembered. Just because I can be unreliable doesn't mean I don't want to come. So, to those people who take notice of new people in the group and try to involve them: I salute you! When people start to talk over someone, but you are the one person who listens: yes! People who make others feel involved are amongst the best in the world.