The University Problem

I'm at the stage where I'm kind of completely done with this whole university thing. As in, mentally I feel I am no longer able to carry on, not as in I made it through undergraduate study. If you've been following this blog from the start, you'll know that this is the second university I've gone to, and that I've really given it the best I've got. I began the year positive that there would be some drastic change, and that this university would be the one way I could stand to make it through to getting a degree. To be fair, it's a great uni as far as support has gone. I just don't think I'm cut out for uni in general.

Once you've had that couple of months break from education, like I did in between unis, it's really hard to go back. Going from earning money and being on your way to independence to go back to living in constant debt, questioning if milk is an important, responsible purchase for the week and counting out how much money I've earned working overtime to see if I'll be out of my overdraft for the month is EXHAUSTING. Adding to the money worries is the fact that Student Finance are STILL screwing me over. Since November. Apparently they now have a thick file of our correspondence, as I've made I-don't-know-how-many phone calls to them. And yes, I still have phone phobia.

Then there's the people. I don't know if maybe I've adapted to getting on with people a bit older than me now, but I really feel that the people of uni age are just immature. I don't mean to sound patronising or whatever, but I'm so over people being overly dramatic and stirring gossip like we're still in school. I've kind of given up talking to people at uni now because of bad experiences I've had with others-I've unfortunately lumped everyone together, even though I know that some of the people I've begun friendships with are genuinely nice.

My counsellor finally broke me today. All term, there's been an ominous box of tissues placed strategically next to me during the counselling sessions, and never once have I come close to needing them until today. Everything has just snowballed up until these last few weeks, it seems. I've had no free time to revise for the exams I have this week and even when I attempt to revise for them, there's something in my head that blocks me from taking anything in. I realised recently that the block is my brain telling me that I don't want to do this anymore. I only really was doing this for my parents anyway-like I know that a degree would benefit me in the long run, but I'm recently in the mind-set that I need to prioritise my mental health over career prospects and going to uni is actually driving me crazy. It's really hard to motivate yourself to study when you don't know what you're goal is at the end.

It's really difficult to start uni, going from being one of the "smart ones", the ones who seem to get through exams fine etc, to being in a place where everyone is "the smart one" and, in fact, struggling with the work. It's debilitating on your identity. This time around, I chose a subject that I have enjoyed my entire life and studying it at uni has turned it into something I detest. Every time I have to go to a lecture, I feel an overwhelming sense of dread, which has triggered a sizable number of panic attacks this term. I don't even care about getting a degree anymore, I've just been counting down the days until I can leave. I feel like it's been struggle enough to make it through this term, without an exam at the end to put the cherry on top of the disaster cake.

So, I'm going to take my exams this week, having done minimal revision (although not for lack of trying) and maybe I'll fail, and have an excuse to leave. Of course, I won't deliberately fail, that isn't the type of person I am. But I don't know what I'm going to do. At the moment, I just really don't want to be here.  

I'm the Best Worst Friend to Have

I feel like I let a lot of people down, most of the time. If someone invites me somewhere, I can never guarantee that I'll be there. When I do turn up to events, people can be surprised and act as if I'm deliberately trying to be mysterious. In actual fact, it's just difficult for me to be sociable sometimes. Being consciously terrified of saying the wrong thing or embarrassing myself the entire time I'm out is exhausting. It's worse when everyone's already friends and I'm just on the edge of conversation, slowly being pushed out. I really hope I don't come across as rude or whatever when I'm in a group, it's just that I overthink what I want to say to the point where I just can't say anything.

I had the same group of friends all through primary school and after making new friends at secondary school, I kept those throughout as well. Not to fault it; we all grew up together, and we'll probably always be in each other's lives in some way. It's just, maybe keeping the same people close to me has made me out of practice when I'm introduced to new people. I don't know, lately I seem to be the person people know, but don't actively see as a friend. It's kind of like being an inverted social butterfly; I can go from group to group and talk to people, but never really be too involved.

I often feel guilty for not knowing recent events with my friends back home, often hearing news really late. I'm really bad at keeping in contact with people, even if I genuinely care about them. I feel sad about growing apart from people from my past, but then it makes me wonder if we ever were that close to begin with. It's way too easy to dwell on things like this when I isolate myself in my room.

I appreciate every time I am invited to something, it makes me feel remembered. Just because I can be unreliable doesn't mean I don't want to come. So, to those people who take notice of new people in the group and try to involve them: I salute you! When people start to talk over someone, but you are the one person who listens: yes! People who make others feel involved are amongst the best in the world.

Youtube: Past and Present

We live in an age where the online world is rapidly becoming more popular than television and online figures are gaining celebrity status. With 300 hours of video being uploaded to Youtube every minute, the website provides endless and instant entertainment for free. Better still, if you have a Youtube account you can refine the videos so that only the content creators that you want to watch appear on your subscriptions feed, and creators similar to those you like are suggested, so that you can explore your interests.

Youtube was founded in 2005, but arguably gained status around 2007, when vlogging first became popular, and viewers became more interested in the comings and goings of strangers than cat videos (although who can beat a good cat video every now and then?). Vloggers such as "The Vlogbrothers", with their "Brotherhood 2.0" project, in which two brothers only contacted each other through their Youtube videos, became the forerunners of Youtube videos.

  I started to get interested in Youtube in around 2010, which now seems like the "innocent" days of the website. I liked vloggers such as Charlie McDonnell "Charlieissocoollike", Lex Croucher "tyrannosauruslexx" and Craig Benzine "WheezyWaiter". I was drawn to comedic vloggers who would fill up my time with entertainment, rather than people who would teach me anything. "The Vlogbrothers" were still going strong, although no longer undertaking their two year project, they provided me with knowledge about music, dumb historic facts and issues in America. One of the brothers, John Green, is a successful author, with two of his books being made in to films. I also liked the vlogger Alex Day, I found him very funny, and his friendship with Charlie McDonnell was admirable and inviting: they made you feel a part of a secret, nerdy culture that supported each other. However, this friendship ended last year, after allegations were made against Alex Day regarding sexual abuse, and due to this I have also stopped watching Alex's videos.

It is at this point that I will mention the popularity of the genre "British Male Vloggers that Appear Attractive to Young Female Girls". I don't understand why in particular they have to be British, but this is definitely a recognisable category of vloggers, who gain the type of followers that a popular boy band may get; often referred to as "fan girls". This was seen to be relatively harmless, until it came out that a number of these vloggers were allegedly sleeping with their underage fans, spawning a massive internet-wide debate over the issue of consent on Tumblr, Youtube and otherwise. This caused some prominent faces to disappear from the mainstream, with vloggers such as Alex Day being ousted from the internet by angry ex-fans. 

 

Many Youtubers took this as an opportunity to educate their young audiences about consent, making the best of a bad situation. They recognised how dangerous it was to have such young, impressionable fans being influenced by older people who were not moderated and were free to do as they please. Youtube gatherings had by this point turned from fun meet-ups, where you could chat to fellow viewers of a particular person, to fans just insanely mobbing their favourite Youtubers, and had become dangerous.

Now, I mostly watch Youtube to watch people play video games, which sounds odd, but this stems from me being terrible at video games myself and also from being one of the younger, female cousins in my family and therefore only being able to watch the older, male cousins play. I still watch Lex Croucher, and admire her growth from "funny Youtube personality" to someone who people can genuinely look up to in regards to her feminism and animal charity work.

Beauty gurus have gained a massive popularity of late; people who teach viewers how to apply make-up, style their hair, or share clothing hauls. A notable guru is Zoe Sugg, "Zoella", who has recently released a book, appeared in the Band Aid 30 Christmas song, competed in the BBC Bake- Off Celebrity Special and has just been placed as a waxwork inside Madame Tussauds. With rumours circling that she has bought a £1 million mansion, it is difficult for people to say that you can't reach celebrity status through Youtube anymore.

My Views on Religion

*Disclaimer: Yes, talking about religion is controversial. I respect people's beliefs and their freedom to believe what they want. I don't care what you believe in, as long as it doesn't cause harm to anyone, or persecute anyone. This is simply an account of my experiences with religion, and no one should feel offended by my lack of belief. I do not need to be "saved" from anything. This account is also mainly about Christianity and Catholicism, as they are the religions I was brought up with and am exposed to the most, so where "religion", read "Christianity" for most of the time.*

 

Technically, I am still a Roman Catholic, as the only way you can stop being a Roman Catholic is if the church actively kicks you out. I attended a catholic primary school, went to church relatively frequently and completed many of the steps that symbolised my dedication to the religion, such as having my Holy Communion and Confirmation. I was brought up being read bible stories and singing hymns, putting on Christmas plays AND Easter plays in my school. Literally no part of my childhood made me question my faith.

When I grew up and started secondary school, I was exposed to the idea of atheism and agnosticism, concepts I had never heard of before. In the beginning, I couldn't understand how people couldn't believe in God. In the end, I couldn't understand how people believed in God at all. A drastic shift in my religious beliefs occurred over a couple of years. I started to refuse to go to church, feeling like a fraud in pretending I had any belief left. I felt guilty because I had confirmed my faith so definitely when I was younger, to go back on it just felt wrong.

Then I realised. They had got me when I was young, when I still wasn't really able to make decisions for myself. My Holy Communion occurred when I was about seven or eight; my Confirmation when I was about twelve. I shouldn't have to feel trapped in a religion I no longer believed in because of choices I had made (or people had made for me) when I was so young. I feel sorry for people who reach this point but have to force themselves back into belief due to pressure from their family or peers. I was freely able to admit I was an atheist as my parents weren't at all strict when it came to religion (I think they are both pretty much atheist now anyway).

I can understand that religion brings many people comfort, and if it is all they know, then it is difficult for them to see beyond it. Some religious people say "If there is no God, then how do you explain a sunset", but do we really have to attribute the beauty we see in nature to an unknown, supernatural entity? Is it healthy for us to feel judged in everything we do; is it right to spend our life dedicating ourselves to working towards an afterlife we don't know exists, instead of enjoying the actual life we have?

While I feel that my somewhat religious upbringing definitely helped to make me a moral person, I am also able to be open minded and liberal, and acknowledge that what I believe in may not be what is right. Some religious people (and non-religious, to be fair) for example, believe absolutely that gay people should not be accepted in society, usually because they have found some obscure passage in the bible that they have decided hints at God's homophobia. Some people reject people from their communities because they are gay even if they are a close relative. Some gay people go through so much turmoil in not being able to come out to their parents because of their religion induced homophobia that they try to "fix" themselves.

Of course, being religious doesn't inherently make you homophobic or close-minded, but in my experience, it makes you much more likely to be. You have been taught that only a particular lifestyle is desired by God, and anything that deviates from that is to be feared; these people are going to hell. I am not even going to start on exactly how many wars and acts of terror are solely caused due to religious beliefs, however extreme the beliefs may be.

Yes, if used right, religion can be great. It can be a reason for people to get up in the morning, a life's purpose. It can help people overcome terrible times in their life, or help them to celebrate the good. It allows people to become a community, and is absolutely the biggest contributor to charities, helping people around the world. I don't know exactly what it was that made me stop believing in God, but now in my mind, I can't fathom why a God would exist at all. That doesn't mean I can't enjoy the Disney film, The Prince of Egypt, or eat Easter eggs, or celebrate Christmas.

My First Counselling Session

I started going to counselling sessions this term (so far, I've only been to one) because I am super insane and a risk to the general public (parodying mental illness stigmas for the win?). It was actually due to my crippling anxiety and the depression I faced last term that resulted in me eating nothing for like a week, but I digress...

I have always been quite open about my anxiety so it was easy for me to talk to the counsellor about stuff. My year of experience studying psychology at university didn't really help though, as the counsellor kept saying "How do you feel about that?" and I kept wanting to laugh at how clichéd it was. There was a box of tissues placed ominously close to my chair, which was a slouchy, beige number to match the beige room, that you either had to sit really far forward and upright in, or you would end up pretty much lying down in it.

As much as I mock, my counsellor was lovely; super understanding, easy to talk to, sensed I had a terrible sense of direction and showed me the way into the building for next time, the whole experience was great. I am now looking forward to my next counselling session more than my next lecture. Which is maybe bad. 

The session made me look at myself from a different perspective and it was quite strange to have someone sympathise with me. I usually hate to be the centre of attention and reject compliments immediately, but having someone sit there will the sole purpose of helping me to build myself back up was oddly reassuring. Yes, there were some things I found awkward, like being told I was obviously intelligent many times (how do people react to compliments?! I sit and laugh awkwardly, this is obviously not correct).

I thought I'd feel self-conscious and analysed, but really, it was nice to vent. I used to think counselling was absolutely not for me; I thought it'd trigger panic attacks and be pointless as I am so open anyway, but actually, it made me realise I don't think about myself enough. It's a nice way to, not be selfish per se, but to finally start taking care of my mental wellbeing, the same way people take care of their physical wellbeing by going on a diet or getting their nails done.

It's important to note that a counsellor's job isn't particularly to tell you all the answers to your problems, but to (as cheesy as it sounds) help you help yourself. A worrying number of students suffer silently from mental health problems, not knowing how to help themselves. If you attend a university as awesome as mine, you have easy, free access to people who can help you, as long as you summon up the courage to contact them. If not, you can talk to your GP about looking for a counsellor, although in this circumstance, be prepared to shell out some cash as you are more than likely going to have to pay for one. There are also people available online and through telephone who you can talk to, who you can find if you browse the web enough.

For students at UoB, everyone you need to contact can be found here.

Being a Night Owl

You may notice some of my posts go up past midnight occasionally. This is because I rarely sleep before midnight, in fact if I do, I usually end up waking up at like 5 a.m. which isn't particularly practical. I prefer the night time- it feels like I have far fewer responsibilities at night for some reason. You don't have to talk to anyone and everything's quiet. You can do pretty much what you like.

If you look outside, the world is different, calmer. The few cars that pass outside seem more purposeful in their travels. You notice more of the nature around you; the foxes come out and you can watch silently from your window as they bring their cubs to explore your front garden. There's more space to think, to think about the day that's passed and try to plan out what you want for the next day or for years to come.

It's at night that I decided I needed to move university. In fact, I've made most of the important decisions of my life when I should have been a couple of hours into a deep slumber. But night time isn't just for thinking, it's mostly for relaxing. You can spend far longer watching programmes on the internet during the night without feeling guilty than during the day. During the night, it's fine if you don't make the effort to make a meal and just snack.

You don't have the anxiety that you might bump into someone and have to make conversation. You don't feel like you have to do work (unless you have intentionally pulled an all-nighter for that purpose) because night time doesn't count. You don't have to continue that difficult conversation because they've gone to sleep.

The only guilt you feel is when the birds start to chirp outside, and the darkness fades to sunrise. For night owls, the sunrise isn't such a beautiful sight as others might consider it to be. It's the sign that you've stayed up too late, that now you have to be a responsible adult during the day on 2 hours of sleep, if that. Fingers crossed you've got your de-zombifying technique down (drink plenty of water, eat breakfast, try to imagine you didn't spend all night staring at a laptop screen) roll out of bed and into the daytime.

Mother's Day Blues

Mother's Day today has made me especially nostalgic and homesick. These last two years, I have realised just how much my parents do for me and how much I rely on their support. When you're little, your parents are the worst people in the world because they make you eat broccoli and don't let you do the things your friend's parents let them do. You argue over such stupid things. You neglect the little moments you spend together, where you've taken a day trip out together, or have done something in the small hours between finishing school and bedtime.

I remember as a small child seeing a teenager out with their parent and they seemed to get along, whereas I percieved that all teenagers hated their parents. I vowed that I would always get along with my mum, idealizing being a teenager who walked about holding her mum's hand. Obviously that was a somewhat ridiculous notion, and of course I went through the stage where I didn't want to be seen outside with my parents. I just hope I didn't upset them too much when I scoffed at their mentionings of spending time together; I hope I never made them feel neglected by me.

Not being able to go home on mother's day is breaking my heart because I'm unable to participate in the yearly tradition of buying my mum daffodils (only great big yellow ones, none of the white or orange cop-outs) and going out to Chartwell House. My mum's told me they're not going to Chartwell this year because it's raining, they're going to Costco instead, to pick up ten tonnes of food shopping. Not exactly how she would choose to spend mother's day. My sister is still in the stage where she somewhat hates her parents, so I wonder if my mum will even get a present this year.

It's funny how distant from your parents being a teenager makes you, and then being in your 20s springboards you back closer to them. Even though I was only home last week, I can't wait until I get to go home next weekend and see my family. I've been trying not to get homesick as it is, but seeing everyone posting pictures with their mum on mother's day has definitely made me count the seconds until I can get in my car and drive home.